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1 A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.

2 Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

3 I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

4 There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

5 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

6 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

7 Why did the blonde burn her ear!? The phone rang while she was ironing!

8 Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said "concentrate" on it!

9 A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!

10 A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment. 'He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

11 A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you." Guy says: "An alligator?"Woman says: "Close enough"

12 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

13 Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

14 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

15 Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

16 A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

17 There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

18 The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

19 When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

20 Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

21 Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

22 My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.

23 Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be!

24 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

25 As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

26 When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

27 Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

28 A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

29 He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

30 To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

31 The careless pyromaniac made an ash of himself.

32 We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

33 The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.

34 A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

35 What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.

36 Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.

37 I got angry when my cell phone battery died. My counselor suggested I find an outlet.

38 If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

39 They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

40 It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban

41 Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life

42 An electrician claimed that his truck was a volts wagon

43 There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

44 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

45 I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

46 I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

47 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

48 I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.